Mirrors 2 Stars

I received this movie through Netflix and can not figure out why I continue to put bad movies in my queue. The premise is simple, unfortunately so is the plot and execution. Keifer Sutherland is an alcoholic ex cop who has anger management issues and a strained relationship with his family. He does not speak at a normal volume. Instead he either whispers or screams, there is no middle ground. Oddly, this character is exactly like Jack Bauer. Can you say typecast? Sutherland's agent can.

Considering this movie was made by the same guys that made High Tension and the Hills Have Eyes remake, I was expecting another good scary movie and not another bad American version of an unscary Asian film. Mirrors obviously was the latter. The movie actually started off pretty good and I did not mind the fact that the main character was exactly like Jack Bauer because I dig 24. By mid film I was wondering where the story was going and by the last quarter I was disgusted. I am sick and tired of the cheap plot device where the supernatural bad guy is somehow related to some 9 year old girl who acts crazy and wears a white dress. I saw it in the Ring years ago. I saw it in Fear.Com years ago. I saw it in many other bad movies that I cant remember. It was not scary then, it is not scary now. I don't care how bad and crazy a 9 year old chick is, If we threw hands I would beat her like she owed me money. For it to be scary it needs to be something that could do you harm. Jason Vorhees? He has 187 skills, ergo he is scary. Freddy? He will make a joke as he slices you up or does some faux karate like he did when he fought Jason, ergo he is scary. The leprechaun? He can box with blacks on a street corner and rip out their hearts like he did while he was In the Hood, ergo he is scary. 9 year old chicks in white dresses stand there and look like they belong at Booth's Corner selling fresh squeezed lemonade that actually is made from Country Time powder. You can see my point.

The only good scenes basically were the ones where Keifers hot wife ran around scantily clad and moist due to a flooded crib and the scene where Keifer puts a gat in a nuns face. There also was a good line where Keifer told an old dude "Don't make me threaten you." Other than that the movie is bad. Skip it.

Futuresport 1 Star

This movie is set in 2025. If the future truly is anything like it was portrayed in this movie, I hope I am no longer on this earth to see it. This gem of a film is a ripoff of not one, but two Rollerball movies. The original Rollerball had James Caan and was amazing. The remake had Chris Klein. It was not amazing. This installment stars Dean Cain. See a pattern here? Each ripoff gets a saggier star to replace James Caan. Who's next, Stephen Hawking?

The trailer had explosions, hot chicks, karate, Wesley Snipes.... all things that were dope enough for me to look past the fact that Dean Cain was in it. But in the first five minutes of the movie I knew that I was in for a true steaming pile of feces. The bad guy is supposedly some underground revolutionary bad ass. The bad thing is that he is some emaciated mixture of an Italian and a Laotian Ladyboy who has a bad goatee and worse tattoo all over his chevy chase. How the fuck are you going to be an underground bad guy and have a full face tattoo? No one would notice that asshole walking around when he stopped at Wawa to get a bag of Herr's crab chips and a big gulp.

And Dean Cain. Where did hollywood find this horse's ass? The mans acting is atrocious, his hair is atrocious and his attempts at choreographed fighting were a disgrace to humanity. I have actually lost some respect for Wesley for being in this movie. I know the man has tax problems. I know the man is considered a washed up second rate actor. But this is inexcusable. Wesley probably showed up at the casting call for the Expendables and Sly cleaned up his act for being in Futuresport.

Traitor 2 Stars

What has happened in movie land when Guy Pearce, star of such great films like LA Confidential, Ravenous, Memento and The Count Of Monte Cristo (Yes, I said The Count of Monte Cristo, if you have beef with it, make a move) plays backseat to a poor man's Terrence Howard in a movie about black muslim double agent terrorists? Guy Pearce is better than this.

The premise is ridiculous. How many Black Muslim terrorists have attacked this country in recent years? Ever? So in this movie a Black Muslim terrorist who was former special forces easily infiltrates the second most dangerous terrorist group besides Bin Laden and his crew. He does this by being beaten up in prison. Last time I checked getting beaten up in prison leads to you getting ripped out in the shower, not accolades from the baddest dudes in the joint. On top of that foolishness, the movie is boring. I felt my sack hairs getting grayer as I watched it.

Next thing I know I see Jeff Daniels walking around in the movie. If he is not on a toilet shitting himself profusely in a snowy wonderland, then I do not want to see it. I wish he would stay in Michigan at the Purple Rose theater and not bother anyone anymore. Jeff Daniels primary role in the movie is to suggest that American tactics are no better than the tactics of the terrorists. Great. If I wanted to hear that shit I would call George Clooney or the has been/never was from American Pie.

The best part is that Don Cheadle's character goes through a moral crisis mid film because he accidentally kills innocent people, this bit of the story lasts for about 15 minutes. "the koran says" to take an innocent life is unforgivable so at the end of the movie he blows up a bus that was full of terrorists. The problem is that the poor bus driver was an innocent dude just rolling down the interstate with a bunch of white American and black American muslim terrorists (because apparently there are a shitload of them). I guess one hour in movie time is long enough to forget that you are a hypocrite.

I don't mind a movie that is unrealistic. My problem is that I heard on many occasion how great and realistic Traitor was, and I truly think the people who made the movie thought the same way. However, Transporter 2 was closer to reality than this boring bag of garbage. If you want to see a movie about terrorists and the Mid East, watch Body of Lies.

Terminator (the Original) 5 Stars

I had to watch this to try to remove the mind stink that Salvation has left on me. When I think of Salvation I feel like agent Smith in the matrix when he said "I Hate this place, this zoo, this reality, whatever you call it........IT"S THE SMELL!"

Terminator is one of the top 10 most important action movies of all time, a game changer that also birthed the second greatest action hero after Sly Stallone. The non essential dialogue in the movie is terrible I will give it's critics that. Particularly any scene with Ginger and her headphones.....except when she gets wet by the four fifth with laser sights. However, the essential dialogue is perfect, just enough to keep the story going. What makes this movie mega dope is the Terminator (obviously) and Reese. Reese was the shit. In the beginning the diesel robot who feels no pain travels through time and lands in a cozy kneeling position.His only discomfort probably was the fact that his bare sack was caressing the cold concrete much like Dolph Lundgrens was when he was dirty and meditating naked in the sewer in the first Punisher movie. Reese, who is scrawny and scarred up gets thrown through time and lands on the concrete like he was just dumped out of the bed of a Ford F150 going down 95. Why did he choose this? Because he is fucking hard like del state football.

The dopest scene in the Terminator is when Reese and his biatch are cruising on the interstate being pursued by the Terminator on the bike. The pipebomb blasts and image of the Terminator rolling right through them is off the hook.

How is this great low budget movie repaid? By having three sequels that never should have been made. Honestly, the sequels to this movie actually detract from the original. I can understand the machines going back in time once as a last ditch effort as John Connor and his men are wrecking shit, but a second, third and fourth time? If they can do this why not just send a bunch back in time? Or go back in time to the wild west when the only guns are hand guns and kill John Connors great great great grandpa with a Terminator heart punch? The sequels blow, this includes T2 and the bullcrap liquid guy. fuck em.

Taken 4 Stars

What would happen if Jason Bourne's dad became a Man on Fire like Denzel Washington? Taken would happen. The movie is amazing. It would have been 5 stars if there where one change to the film. Since it is set in France, Jean Claude Van Damme should have had a major role in the movie as a bad guy. That would have been dope. The casting of Liam Neeson as the hero was perfect though. For a movie like this you need someone like Liam Neeson or Wesley Snipes, no one else would do.

I told some dude to watch this movie and he said that he was not interested because Liam Neeson is not dope. Incredulously I axed him if he had seen Darkman, which I already knew the answer was no because he obviously would not have made the first statment had he seen Sam Raimi's second best film ever. I asked the question so that he would have to bear full responsibility for what was about to happen to him. He knew that pain was coming and he winced, preparing for a slap to the soup cooler, as he said "uh, nah dude I missed Darkman." I did not hit the man in the mouth, I decided to flip the script and kick him in his third eye and paralyze his legs.

Taken is great for many other reasons than just Liam Neeson. There are too few movies where dudes who know Karate torture French Alabanian perverts and then kill them. I dont dig torture movies like Saw and Hostel, who wants to see innocent people get all jacked up? But terrorists, pedophiles, kidnappers, traitors, rats.... all these are game for torture. Big ups to whoever greenlight Taken, it is a movie with balls.

Terminator Salvation 2 Stars

I finished this just to see if it could turn itself around. I was wrong, it started ok then progressively slipped into mediocrity then into down right ridiculousness. The original Terminator falls into the category described as Hella Dope, the sequels do not. Most people who where happy in 1984 when they went to the video store and rented a movie called Terminator just because the dude from Conan was on the box with shades and a gun will know what I mean. My brother and I were those people, chances are there are more of you out there. People like us want to see the war between man and machines in Terminator Salvation. People like us want to see John Connor teach Reese how to "Smash those metal motherfuckers into junk" like he said in the original. Instead we get another installment of the machines coming up with a more advanced Terminator who still fails to kill a teenage kid and erase the existence of their nemesis. Another good movie whose legacy is destroyed by summer lacklusters with bad dialogue and rappers in the cast. Beside Chrisitan Bale, the actors are bad.

Common is in this movie.

Michael Ironside is in this movie.

The machines want to kill Reese as a teenager in the film. They have the technology to track him down in L.A. The technology to identify him with facial recognition software, where they got his image in the first place is beyond me considering it is post apocalypse. It is not like the dude took a drivers test and got a state issued ID. If you have his image, that means you have seen him before. Why did they not kill him then? Oh that is right, that would make sense and there would be no summer movie. My bad. Anyway, they have the technology to travel back in time, yet they lack the foresight to kill Reese immediatley when they capture him. Kill Reese and John Connor does not exist, right? But that plan is too simple, insteadthe machines keep him alive so they can lure the one guy who can kill them all into their lair so they can send ONE cgi Arnold Schwarzenegger to fight him naked. That is a good plan.

Oh yeah, and when they do kill John Connor by spiking him through the heart the Deus Ex Machina will arrive in the form of a good terminator who actually has a heart to spare. Nice